Darling. Light of my life. I'm not gonna hurt you. You didn't let me finish my sentence. I said, I'm not gonna hurt ya. I'm just gonna bash your brains in. I'm gonna bash 'em right the (expletive) in!
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
Diplomacy is the art of saying "good doggie" while looking for a bigger stick.
Tact is the ability to tell him to go to hell and have him glad to be on his way.
You cannot live life being afraid of living.
How about never? Is never good for you?
Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
No, my powers can only be used for good.
I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?
You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
Boldly going nowhere.
Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.
The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm.
You! OFF MY PLANET!!
I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.
Let me show you how the guards used to do it.
I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me.
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
You should not confuse your career with your life.
No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
If you can't learn to do something well, learn to enjoy doing it poorly.
I rant. Therefore I am.
Eros became only the fifth celestial body touched by a human spacecraft, following the Moon, Mars, Venus and Jupiter.
If God had intended for man to use the metric system, Jesus would have only had ten disciples.
"Your Honor, I will show first, that my client never borrowed the Ming vase from the plaintiff; second, that he returned the vase in perfect condition; and third, that the crack was already present when he borrowed it."
Cats are aloof, lazy, sun-loving lumps of furry self-obsession.
I didn't fight my way up the food chain just to eat vegetables!
I don't remember, was it the bottle in front of me or a frontal labotomy?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades...now THAT'S a message!
I have my own little world. But it's OK...they know me here.
"If you want to do science over thousands of kilometers, a giant ball makes sense," said Jack Jones, test manager for the Tumbleweed project at NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory. "A huge ball can go over anything."
And what is the true hue of the cosmic stew?
"The color is quite close to the standard shade of pale turquoise," said Karl Glazebrook, who with colleague Ivan Baldry presented the findings to the American Astronomical Society this week.
"This would be what we'd get if we took all the light in the universe and passed it through a prism," Baldry said in a statement.
Do others agree with their assessment?
"I'd call that mint green. It's the color of mint chocolate chip ice cream," said one viewer
Later it was found that their computer program was incorrect. After recalculation, the color of the universe was determined to be Moca chocolate.
"A sailboat might just be the most beautiful, sensuous, and intelligent blend of man, machine, and elements that exist. The relationship between the three is the most harmonious I have experienced. Besides, sailing is something you can do while having a beer."
James Noffsinger - Solano State Prison
Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die.
"I read somewhere that 77% of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23% who are apparently doing quite well for themselves."
Jerry Garcia - Grateful Dead
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
It'll feel better when it quits hurting.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happend.
The other night I was lying in bed looking up at the stars when I thought, where the hell is the ceiling?
Only the dead have seen the end of war.
Plato.
They call it PMS because Mad Cow disease was already taken.
My dog can lick anyone.
Consciousness, that annoying time between naps.
The ozone layer or cheese in a spray can. Don't make me choose.
The universe is a figment of its own imagination.
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
90% of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at.
The more I find out about the practice of law, the more I am surprised that it is not illegal.
There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
I can face my personal demon. His name is Maury and all I need now is some onion dip and a cat.
If you want to know what God thinks about money, just look at the people he gives it to.
Be normal and the crowd will accept you. Be deranged and they will make you their leader.
You can't stop life from charging at you. You can only wear eye protection.
Every great man was thought insane before he changed the world. Some never changed the world. They were just insane.
The normal make a living. The deranged make history.
Love means never having to bail yourself out of the county lock-up.
If you are a woman, remember: Women are more sensitive to the effects of alcohol.
If you are a man, remember: Women are more sensitive to the effects of alcohol.
Drinking alone is a telltale sign that you know better than to put up with anybody's bullshit.
If someone you know is too drunk to drive, demand that he let you have his car keys. If he refuses, pull out a gun and demand the car keys again. This also works with people who are not drunk, and whom you do not know.
2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
I just don't understand it. I was working from the best intelligence available at the time. That is to say, my own.
All I see around me are chaos, mayhem and disorder. My work here is done.
"I'm trying to stay as far away from myself as I can."
Bob Dylan
A hundred thousand lemmings can't be wrong!
I just know there is a duck somewhere, watching me.
We've secretly switched the dilithium crystals in the Enterprise warp core with new Folger's Crystals... let's watch what happens.
Error 001: Out of cheese error, reinstall universe and reboot.
If you could have dinner with anyone in the world, what would you eat?
"If you ever find yourself on the side of the Majority, it's time to pause and reflect."
Mark Twain
Somewhere, there is a very fat and very naked hairy man jumping up and down in the shower singing a country song. Think about that the next time you ask to be omniscient.
How much windows code could a windows coder code if a windows coder could code windows?
One upon a time, there lived a geek... << insert your life here >> ... lived happily ever after.
My livelihood depends on the stupidity of others. Talk about job security.
Beer is like beer.
You need it.
The other day when I was having a paranoia attack some one called me crazy, So I told him "Hey I may be crazy, but it isn't my problem. You're the one who has to worry."
Do you ever take swings at the open air just in case there's someone invisible there watching?
There are three types of people in the world. Those who can count, and those who can't.
Very funny Scotty, now beem down my clothes.
Did you know that 7/5 of all people don't understand fractions?
I love it when things happen.
Meow! Thump! Meow! Thump! Meow! Thump! "You're right! There isn't enough room to swing a cat in here!"
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes an even bigger man to laugh at that man.
Eternity is a lot like this ... only longer.
Fish 1: Do you think we'll ever get out of this bowl?
Fish 2: Oh my God! A talking fish!
If privacy is outlawed, only outlaws will have privates.
Help me! Everytime I blink the world dissapears!
Some people are like slinkies. Generally useless, but you still can't help but chuckle when you see one of them tumbling down the stairs.
Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks.
Its like a meatloaf. It may turn your stomach, but it's what you're getting for dinner, so you might as well put ketchup on it.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
I know what you're thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
Elvis is dead, and I'm not feeling too good myself.
CAT ----- The Other White Meat
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
"You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer."
Frank Zappa
It's all fun and games until someone looses an eye. Then it's just a game.
I hear voices, and they don't like you.
I like the way you think. It really makes me nervous, but I like the way you think.
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
Sanity is a type of conformity.
John Nash
Win if you can,
Loose if you must,
but always CHEAT.
I'm just sliding down the firepole of life.
...as useful as a snooze button on a smoke alarm.
In America a black cat crossing your path is considered to mean bad luck (which is of course stupid), but in England and parts of Asia it is considered good luck. In Antartica, it just shocks people.
I was thinking of the immortal words of Socrates who said, "I drank what?"
By reading this you have given me brief control of your mind.
So there I was, naked, in a refrigerator, smoking a cigarette, with a potroast on my knees. That's when it got REALLY weird.
The Moon is much smaller than the Earth; then again, it is much, much farther away.
Since the draft release of the Human Genome, we're all Open Source!
If there's anything more important than my ego around I want it caught and shot now.
What if there was no rhetorical question?
Back in my day, we didn't have starships. We had to WALK from solar system to solar system. In 6 feet of snow!
They sure don't make time machines like they will.
"DAD DAD! WE'VE DONE SOMETHING HORRIBLE!"
"Did you wreck the car?"
"No..."
"Did you raise the dead?"
"YES!"
"But the car's ok?"
::nods::
"ok then"
As the lights changed from green to yellow to red and back to green, I thought to myself, "What if it really is all just a bunch of honking and screaming?"
Mary and Dave had never met. They were like two hummingbirds, who had also never met.
The sentence below is false
The sentence above is true
Why does everybody say it's the quiet ones you need to look out for? I'm worried about that very pissed and very loud man in the middle of the street with a chainsaw and a shotgun.
There are two things I hate, those intolerant of other peoples cultures and the Dutch.
When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt.
Everyone thinks I'm psychotic except my friends deep inside the earth.
Earth is full. Go home.
Is it time for your medication or mine?
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Every time I close the door on reality, it comes in through the windows.
I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.
Lead me not unto temptation,
I can find it myself.
I am getting so tired of slitting the throats of people who say I am a violet psychopath.
Kittens could be cuter if they tried harder.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging.
Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
If you get to thinking you are a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else's dog around.
There are three kinds of people: The ones that learn by reading, the few who learn by observation, and the rest of them who have to touch the fire to see for themselves if it's really hot.
I'm going to drink myself into a low level of intelligence tonight.
You know what? Neither do I.
It's a little known fact that, contrary to what you may believe, computers actually operate via magic blue smoke. How do I know this? Because whenever one of my computers lets out all of it's magic smoke, it stops working.
Nothing is better than eternal happiness. A ham sandwich is better than nothing. Therefore, a ham sandwich is better than eternal happiness.
If an infinite number of monkies on an infinite number of typewriters can create all the works of Shakespeare and the code for Windows, and all this other stuff, why don't we fire these people and get lots of monkies?
I can bend minds with my spoon.
You can deny that I'm the coolest, but you're only hurting yourself.
4am: A time of utter chaos often resulting in wetness.
I'm hungry. Let's get a taco.
You should be able to put the second bullet in the same hole as the first bullet. That's gun control.
Ted Nugent
He's as edgy as a sphere.
"I remember one time Kevin Garnett was mushing him, and shoving him in the face; and Tim Duncan didn't do anything, he didn't react. He just kicked Kevin Garnett's ass, and won the damn championship. You know what I'm sayin'? That's gangsta. Everybody can show emotion, dunk on somebody, scream and be real cocky; but Tim Duncan is a... he's a pimp."
Ron Artest
When I told the folks back home that I was going to Auchtermuchty, they said, "Wear the fox hat."
When I get older, I want to be a quantum mechanic.
Be careful. Don't hit a duck.
There is a time for compromise. It's called "later".
1 Corinthians 15:55: "O death, where is thy sting? O grave, where is thy victory?"
Blimie mate! How in the blinkie are we supposed to bone the poodle with you shacked with a wambat daddy already in the pasture?
What?
As some old guy used to say, "If I don't see you through the week, I'll see you through the window. Just don't strain yourself on the screen."
Pickles are just cucumbers soaked in evil.
Meat is Murder. Tasty, Tasty Murder.
I shower naked.
Death, our nation's number one killer.
It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change.
Charles Darwin
"He grew up as a little shit-spark from the old shit flame, and then he turned into a shit-bonfire, and then driven by the winds of his monumental ignorance, he turned into a raging shit-firestorm."
Sounds like a president we all know.
You had me at, "We're not cousins."
Rolling over on the sofa does not count as a revolution.
