8:00pm
My sometimes girl friend Nicole came over. We talked. We joked. We started to fool around. Normal stuff. Things were getting pretty heavy and I was ready to make the last move but, to my dismay, it was day twenty-eight and before she could get any more worked up and frustrated she decided to leave. Sooner than I could think to suggest that she at least finish me off, she was out the door. And I just laid there on the living room floor...

10:00pm
So then the pain started setting in, bringing back memories of high school. It was as I had remembered. Soreness. A few days later a friend would ask, "How come you didn't just go service yourself?" You know, hindsight is 20/20, but it doesn't do you a hell of a lot of good two days later. Why didn't I? Well, I didn't think it was necessary at the time. I don't know. I was still spiraling out of control over the idea that she left. "I have towels we can put down of the floor!", I thought to myself in vain. How is a guy supposed to think straight at a time like that?

I remember a female friend once asked me to explain blue balls. I don't recall how I described it then. I'm not sure I really did. I don't think I can eloquently describe it now. If you're a post-pubescent male, you know. There is no need for explanation. If you are a woman, just try to imagine a headache in your ovaries.

Admittedly, it usually doesn't hurt too bad. And I know it will go away soon; maybe and hour; so I decide to go to bed for the night. I had to be at work at 6:00am and it was already late for a work night.

10:30pm
"Ya know, I don't remember the pain being this intense."

Something was not right. I know it had only been half an hour but the pain should have been fading away, not getting stronger.

11:00pm
The pain had not subsided one bit. A quick self exam showed no sign of inflammation. No visible signs of internal hemorrhage. Temperatures seemed normal.

What the hell?

I couldn't sleep. I couldn't even get comfortable. Laying on my back hurt. Lying on my stomach hurt more. My side hurt. Sitting hurt. Standing hurt. I couldn't do anything. I tried going to the restroom; nothing. The pain was so intense that I started to get dizzy.

Then I got really sick.

Do you remember those nights back when you were young, dumb and full of c...
Well anyway, those nights when you got so drunk you were clutching the grass because you were afraid you were going to be slung off the earth? Those nights when you drank so much before you even felt drunk that by the time you knew it was too late; you had already had far too much. All you could do was hang on for the ride. You were driving the porcelain bus hard and fast. Vile looking scum was hurling from your body at an alarming rate and you had no control over it. And when all your vital fluids were expelled from your body but your guts kept trying to force out that evil phantom that it thought still lurked in your system and you just convulsed in the most hideous dry heaves imaginable. And you were helpless in stopping them. Do you remember that?

Well that is what happened to me.

11:20pm
I finally stopped retching long enough to think strait. Sorta. This was not your normal blue balls. Something had gone very wrong here. I had never heard of it affecting you any differently when you're older. And I had never felt it that intense before.

"Should I go to the hospital?"

"Yeah, I think that is a pretty good idea."

"How do I get there? Can I drive?"

"What about an ambulance?"

"What do I tell them is wrong with me?"

"I don't want to be carted out of my apartment with EMTs packing ice around my balls and all my neighbors poking there heads out their doors to see what is going on."

"No ambulance."

"I'll drive."

"But still, when I get there, what do I tell them?"

"Well, this may not be blue balls. But if it is, it is the worst case of blue balls in history and by God, it must be recorded for posterity!"

12:00am
I drove myself to the hospital emergency room. I drove slow the whole way, praying for a cop to stop me and take me the rest of the way. The pain was as intense as ever. I nearly passed out at a stop light one block from the hospital.

I walked into the waiting area for the South Austin Hospital Emergency room as casually as I could even though I felt like one of my testicles was about to explode. I had been hoping that the place would be empty so there wouldn't be anyone to overhearing what I thought my problem was. But there were others there. Dammit! Ignoring the people that were there I focused on the desk across the room from the entrance where the first of three admitting nurses sat. This nurse was a young guy, probably a little younger than me. I thought, maybe I can tell this guy the whole story. He'd understand. He's probably seen it before or even experienced it himself. Maybe.

As I approached the desk a woman already sitting in the waiting room stood and came up to the desk behind me. As the first admitting nurse looked at me expecting me to tell him what was wrong I turned and looked at her in a gesture to defer to her and get her away from me. She didn't hesitate to cut in.

Bitch!

At this hospital to get into the emergence room a walk-in patient has to go to three different admitting nurses. The first, the young male nurse, was just there to take down your information and point you toward the next nurse. The second nurse was a pudgy woman who got you to sign a bunch of forms and copy your insurance card. She would also tell me I had to wait for a third nurse, sitting in a glass room at one side of the waiting area. This third nurse would do a quick exam to determine how much I really needed emergency care.

Back at the desk, this woman, the one who came up behind me, asked how much longer she would have to wait the see the third nurse. The male nurse said he would check in a moment and turned his attention back to me.

She just stood there.

I hate not having privacy. This woman was definitely invading mine. All I wanted was to tell this male nurse about my pain and suffering and let him and his colleges determine the best treatment for me. And shoot me full of drugs. The pain was piercing. I wanted to double over, but it hurt to bend over. It hurt to sit. It hurt to stand. I've been over this before.

Anyway, there she was, standing, right next to me at the desk. So, as best I could, I explained my symptoms to the male nurse using as many technical anatomy terms as possible so it didn't come out sounding like, "My right nut is killing me!" I told him I was concerned that I had appendicitis or kidney stones or maybe some other non-specific thing that makes you feel like you got kicked in the groin by a mule. He diligently wrote it all down and told me to see the second nurse to fill out some forms.

12:10am
Her desk was behind his in a small room. She was babbling away on the phone when I entered. I had thought I was maintaining a good appearance. Not too distraught, not too pain stricken, with just enough concern to display that something was wrong. The second admitting nurse looked up at me from her phone conversation and it was as if she had seen death. "I've got to go!", and she hung up the phone.

She quickly pulled the forms I needed to sign to be admitted and asked for my insurance information. She ushered me through all the forms faster than any doctors office nurse had in the past. When we were done she told me to try to get as comfortable as possible in the waiting room and the third nurse would see me shortly.

12:20am
I really didn't pay attention when I came in but there were about nine people in three different groups in the waiting room. There was the woman that came up to the desk behind me sitting with what looked to be her mother and brother. There was another couple of people that just seemed to be waiting. And then there was the group in the far corner. This group of people consisted of three young sorority girls. There may have been a guy with them; I really didn't notice. One of the girls, a cute young blonde, was sitting facing away from me but had turned to look over here shoulder. She was smiling at me!

Holy shit! This cute sorority girl is checking me out! Cool.

But then, in a cruel reminder of why I was there, the pain intensified. "Great, where was this girl two hours ago when I could've used her?!"

12:25am
The woman who bothered me earlier was now in with the third nurse with her mother and brother. I assumed her mother was the patient since the woman and her brother were standing and the nurse was sitting with the mother. To pass the time I wandered around the far end of the waiting room. I couldn't stand for too long. I couldn't sit. There was no place to lie down. I was miserable.

12:30am
The nurse finished her exam of the mother and she stood and walked back out to the waiting room. She looked fine to me. The younger woman and her brother however stayed in the exam room with the nurse and started asking a bunch of questions. Just when I thought they were done and walking out they would stop and ask another question. Over and over again.

Come on all ready!

12:40am
These people just wouldn't shut up. They finally exhausted their curiosity long enough to leave the third nurse behind. I could see the third nurse through her glass walls and saw that see picked up the next folder at the door. I had no idea if it was mine, but I was hoping. It was mine. Halleluia! I was anxious to be examined, but being in a glass room I knew she couldn't check everything. She simply asked me questions. And not many questions either. I don't really remember what she asked, but I do remember my surprise when she picked up a plastce cup, handed it to me and asked me for a sample. "A what? But I just told you, I haven't been able to do anything."

"Well just try", and she directed me to the restroom just outside the waiting room.

This one is not complete. There is more to it than just blue balls. I hope I find the time to finish it soon.